When my 87-year-old mother started showing signs of dementia, I refused to see it.
When she became forgetful, I was impatient.
When she made mistakes, I was critical.
When she was confused, I was insistent.
I argued, I nagged, I quizzed, I corrected…and I made things worse.
It wasn’t because I didn’t love Mom – I did, very much. We had a wonderfully close relationship.
It wasn’t because she was being stubborn or ornery or ugly. She wasn’t.
She had always been sweet and loving, and still was.
It wasn’t because I didn’t care. I did.
No – it was because I didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand what was happening to her.
I didn’t understand that she had dementia.
And I didn’t understand what dementia was all about.
Once I got it,
Once I learned what could change,
Things went much better for us.
So that’s what I do now. I help other caregivers, family members, and staff to have those lightbulb moments. I help them learn that there IS a better way to live with dementia.
I help them to understand.
…and understanding changes everything.
Mary Donnelly is a nationally-known dementia consultant and educator. A past Board President for MemoryCare, a nationally-recognized nonprofit clinic in Asheville, NC, she founded and coordinates the MemoryCaregivers Network, writes a bi-monthly e-newsletter,Caregiver Network News, and is part of the teaching staff for their annual caregiver education series. She is the author of The MemoryCaregivers Collection, an anthology for caregivers published in 2025. Mary is also on the staff of national dementia expert Teepa Snow, holding multiple roles as Trainer, Consultant, and Mentor, and serves on the Steering Committee of Dementia Friendly Western North Carolina, a grassroots organization promoting dementia awareness and education. She facilitates five area support groups, provides family consulting across the country, offers on-site staff dementia training for long-term care facilities, and is a dynamic speaker on dementia-related issues.
Mary lives in Asheville, North Carolina, with her crooner husband Tom and their celebrity dog, Sammy.
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Building a Bridge Over Troubled Waters – Staying Connected to Your Loved One with Dementia
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Understanding Dementia and Brain Change – a Caregiver’s Guide
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“He’s Just Not the Man I Married!” – Understanding Dementia and Brain Change
(Dementia is more than just memory loss. Changes in language, thinking, and personality are more difficult to understand. Learn how brain change affects your loved one’s behavior, and what you can do to make life easier for both of you.)
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Understanding Changes Everything! Improving Dementia Care for Everyone
Say This, Not That! – Learning How to Communicate with Dementia (Dementia is more than just memory loss – it changes how a person thinks and communicates. To stay connected, you have to change too. Understanding how brain change affects your loved one will help you learn what to say and, more importantly, what not to say.)
- Say This, Not That! – Learning How to Communicate with Dementia
- (Dementia is more than just memory loss – it changes how a person thinks and communicates. To stay connected, you have to change, too. Understanding how brain change affects your loved one will help you learn what to say and more importantly, what not to say)
Caring for the Alzheimer’s Caregiver
Doing the Wrong Things for the Right Reasons – Maybe There’s a Better Way?
Could This Be Alzheimer’s?
Recognizing Early Warning Signs of Memory Loss
FAQs about Dementia
Learning to Dance with Dementia – How Changing Your Approach Changes the Outcome
Living Next Door to Dementia (minimum 4 hours) — Whether you call it dementia, or Alzheimer’s, or memory loss, the result is the same: it’s a disease that changes everything. With our growing aging population, and without a cure anywhere on the horizon, we are called to learn all we can about a condition that will likely affect at least 50% of us. Join us for this interactive program to explore the differences between normal and not normal aging, how to recognize common early signs of dementia, and what you can do to support families in your community who are already affected by this condition. Targeted specifically to professional caregivers and staff in long-term care.
Less Talk, More Smiles – Adopting a Positive Approach to Dementia in Long-Term Care
What Part of “No!” Don’t You Understand?
Diamonds to Pearls – Using Teepa’s GEMS to Identify the Progression of Dementia
Mary Donnelly learned the challenges of caregiving firsthand in caring for her mother with dementia and then in her roles as peer support group facilitator, dementia care consultant, and dynamic speaker. In 2010, Mary began writing articles for MemoryCare’s caregiver newsletter to offer practical, caring guidance for caregivers on this journey. The MemoryCaregivers’ Collection is a compilation of those articles.
“Mary Donnelly is an exceptional speaker and a highly valued resource for MemoryCare’s caregiver education initiatives. Her engaging style, energy and delivery are superb. She has excellent knowledge to share, as well as compassion and insight for families who are facing dementia. She will inform, inspire and impact your life!”
“The class Mary offered at our church, Living Next Door to Dementia, was wonderful! Mary possesses great empathy, compassion and a depth of life experience with people who are living with cognitive impairment and memory loss and their family members, loved ones and care givers who are companions with them on this journey towards the end of life. Mary ably created and held the space for our congregation to honestly and empathetically engage this challenging and nuanced yet pertinent issue. Her wisdom, adept facilitation skills, playfulness and humor enabled us to delve deeply and honestly in learning and sharing on this topic and, in so doing, to discover mutual support, inspiration and hope.”
“The folks here learned so much. Your energy, speaking/presenting skills plus knowledge and firsthand experience combine into one incredible workshop.”
“You are so good at helping caregivers. You helped keep us half-sane and, more importantly, made it possible for us to work with my sister in ways that made her transition easier.”
“Those of us with the usual academic credentials who work (or in my case worked) with elder folks have much to learn from your eloquence and understanding. You have the gift of being a superb communicator, and that is vital to improving how our society faces dementia.”
“I’ve attended Mary’s workshops, listened to her presentations and participated in her support groups. She is pure gold.
Her knowledge of dementia is wide and deep. It’s what she does. It’s all she does.
Her teaching and communication skills are excellent.
In dealing with caregivers, she is empathetic and supportive (she listens long and well), but her focus is on action – helping people cope.
Her help is specific and practical. When caregivers come up against a behavior that is baffling and crazy-making (why are they doing that?), Mary explains why. And offers half a dozen specific ways to deal with it.”
“I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate this program! the presenter is phenomenal. She is so knowledgeable, experienced, insightful and compassionate. She really understands dementia! Everything she says is so informative and helpful. Thank you so much for doing this program. It’s exactly what I need in order to know how to cope with family members who are showing these signs of dementia.”
“Mary has a true gift and the knowledge to back it up.”
“I want to add my thanks and admiration for … her ability to hold an audience’s attention for five (+) hours. None of us really want to know about dementia. We would rather that it just disappeared. But we MUST pay attention. And pay attention we did.
I spent a short seven years working with aging folks in an Assisted Living … During that time I attended occasional workshops on dementia and I really thought I had little more to learn. What a surprise. I not only learned — a lot — I actually enjoyed it.”
“What an insightful, informative, helpful, pratical and most professional talk you gave this am … This info is so rich. One needs to hear it more often.”
“You have a gift for making learning about dementia a truly enjoyable experience.”
